Healing the heart has been at the forefront lately. Like most people I have put a defense mechanism in place to shield myself from love, it's easier and requires less vulnerability to chase the chaos. Diving into these moments brought up thoughts and feelings about my own relationship with my mother. It reminded me of the work I am here to do, to break those generational curses in order to give my daughter everything I did not have. I am not talking about materialistic things here either, I'm talking about important life lessons like teaching her how to listen to her body and intuition and how to love and feel confident in herself. There is a long running list of things I wish to pass along to my daughter so she can start her life off with her best foot forward. I know I can't dictate her future, but with my love and guidance I hope I can set her up for success and hope that she makes the best decisions for her.
I AM really focused on healing, and becoming myself again.
It's really odd how synchroneities play out when you actually slow down and start paying attention to them. On this particular day, upon first waking up me and my husband instantly started getting into a little disagreement. I remember saying to him "oh, it's going to be one of those kinds of days" instantly jumping to the negative conclusion that we would not be getting along all day.
Somewhere along the line I broke down and let the vulnerability gates open and began to cry telling him how I haven't been right since having a baby, and it really messed me up. I explained how half the time I walk around checked out, not having that capacity to show up for everything that requires me to do so, leaving me feeling inadequate for this life. For some reason I am so exhausted lately, every fiber of my being is depleted. I think something changed in my husband in this moment, or some type of lightbulb went off as I could see the change in his face as I was sharing this information. We communicated clearly and calmy with each other and ended up having a great day.
It's been a few days since I have consumed, I decided to take a break because the highs were becoming a little too intense for me. After tonight's session I decided to straighten some things up around the living room, leaving me to discover a little book I had forgotten about. This little book is a journal from a mother to her child, called "50 Love you Notes for You". Upon picking it up I notice there is a bookmark in the middle of the book and instead of picking up where I left off, I decided to turn to the first page. The first question reads "The first time I held you I...." and in this moment my heart started to ache. I remember thinking this is happening because I needed to live in these moments in order to be able to process and heal from them. These thoughts and feelings have come up before and this probably will not be the last.
I tapped in, and down the hole I went. I felt like I time traveled back in time to those moments, trying to recall the feelings I experiences the first time I held her. After much effort, I realize I am unable to remember the first time I held my daughter. I also take note of the realization of being checked out since the moment I found out I was going to be a mother. I entered a state of shock and never left. I had no idea what to expect for, but what I ended up receiving left a weight on my heart, something I initially thought would be filled with love. Looking back at the child birthing experience I realize how cloudy and foggy everything is, unable to recall certain moments. A piece of me feels as if these moments were stolen from me, the first few hours of her life I was not mentally there. After days of being in the hospital, I got rushed into an emergency c-section. During this procedure I was unaware of how much blood I lost, leaving me unable to stay awake. I recall hearing her cry, my eyes were closed, and I heard someone ask me if I wanted to see her, I responded "no, I am just so tired and I can't even keep my eyes open". I slept for the first few hours of her life and these moments cause me to hold so much guilt, resentment and sadness because I felt like we lost extremely important bonding time. While reliving these moments, I allow myself to cry and grieve moments I was never able to have. A part of my feels disconnected from my daughter at times, and I believe this may be the cause.
By choosing to open my heart, I hope to inspire and motivate others to do the same by being open and honest on what I am experiencing while taking this action. I can't change the world entirely with one single moment, but I hope to contribute towards it. I am hoping that my actions will ripple to the generations after us, causing change over time.
Until the next session my friends,
xoxo,
Brandy